the end is near..... but it's really just the beginning.....

Well.... unless I find some amazing abundance of time in the next two weeks (or less (oh pleeease baby jesus, let it be less)), this will probably be my last blog known by any name other than "Mommy".

Right now I am 39 weeks pregnant and officially "full term". I can't believe how quickly the last nine plus months have gone by, but what's unbelievable to me right now is how long the next few days seem. The hardest part is the not knowing.... not knowing when she will come, not knowing how my labor will start, and not knowing.... well. Anything. I've had so many people tell me "You'll just know when you're in labor" but I've had just as many tell me that they themselves didn't. Could I be one of those women?? I just hope I know my body well enough. For the last couple weeks or so I've felt a little different. I've been experiencing different sensations and the pain and Braxton Hicks contractions have been different than they were before. After a little research I came to the conclusion that my body is really gearing up now. And hopefully that means that our Sofia will be a little early as her daddy and I have had a feeling about all along. But then part of me worries I've jinxed it and I'll be miserable and 10 1/2 months pregnant and have to be induced.

 

I just can't wait to meet her and hold her. Yes I'm ready to have my body back and start to feel normal again..... but mostly I'm just ready to start the next phase of my life. The next part of my life with Ryan. And Sofia. And Ace. And Evan, who is going to be an amazing big brother. Even though we only get to see him once a week, it's once a week more than Ryan was seeing him a year ago, so I'll take it.  Seeing him with Evan and how great he is just makes me that much more anxious to see how amazing he's going to be with our daughter- because I know he will be.

But right now it's just a waiting game. Things are ready and waiting for her- the nursery is completely done (and I am so in love with it), finally and we have everything we need- minus a few small things that could wait a little longer. Now we just need the bundle of joy. :) 

Our baby shower was a huge success and SO much fun. So many of our friends and family came to show their love and support and we can never, ever thank them enough. Although there were quite a few people that didn't show up.... people who have asked us to be at things for them and we were..... people who said they were coming and didn't..... people who just should have been there and weren't..... that was really disappointing and a small part of me is still trying to get over being let down- but a much larger part of me is grateful for the clarification about where I stand with these people and where I am on their priority lists. And let me be clear- it's not about presents, I didn't even need a card- it's about showing up and being there for someone you're supposed to care about. About being there to celebrate and support the love of two people that have created a new life together. Besides, these people have given me the greatest gift of all- clarity. In this one day I found out who my true loved ones are and who I can really count on. And none of that would have been possible without our amazing friend, Nicole. She threw us the best, most beautiful baby shower I could have ever hoped for and all of the people that helped, whether your part was big or small- we can never begin to show our gratitude. I can't decide who is luckier for having her in their lives, me or Sofia. :)

Two of my oldest and dearest friends. I'm not sure who I would be today if it wasn't for these two women. In your life if you are lucky, you find friends that will shape you and define who you will become as a person- they make you better than you were on your own. That no matter how much time has passed since you last spoke, when you finally do again- it's as though time stood still for you. One of my greatest hopes for my daughter is that she will find friends like this in her life.... ones who will help her through her toughest times when she feels like she can't ask me for help.... Cheney and Steph: thank you for your love and support. Thank you for being there for me and helping me grow into the person I am today. Thank you for the memories and the special moments I will cherish forever.... but mostly thank you for teaching me how to be a friend so that I can be not only a mother but a friend to my daughter and hopefully have a special relationship and bond with her that will carry us through the tough teenage years. :)

Last Saturday was officially my last day of work. I just couldn't do it anymore.....I probably could have made it until the end of my pregnancy but between the players not being very cooperative about pushing their bets in, the pressure of my stomach on the hard wooden rail of the table and the strain on my back it just became impossible. I was leaving work almost every single night in tears or on the verge. It's so frustrating to me that I get twelve weeks of leave but it's such a big deal for me to take off from work a couple of weeks early. I'm sure I'll be grateful for the time with her after all is said and done but the pain, stress and drama I went through in my last few shifts just was NOT worth it and I'm not afraid to say it's made me a little resentful. Luckily I was able to get intermittent leave from my doctor because I really don't think I would have made it through working this week. Now I am officially on maternity leave and can focus on the next couple weeks and my impending labor and the next few months finding my way as a mother.

Things with my family are still..... difficult to say the least. But as I said earlier, so many of the people in my life have given me a clear picture of where I stand- I almost have to thank them. The best thing I can do for myself and my daughter is put it all out of my mind and focus on the things ahead of me. As of right now I'm planning to have a natural birth- yeah, that's right- no drugs... and I'm going to need every ounce of physical and emotional strength for this. I have none to waste on anything else. I'm sure some people will tell me I'm crazy.... but my biggest fear is having a c-section and getting an epidural can slow down or completely stall your labor to the point that it becomes dangerous for you and the baby. I know my body.... I don't recover well from surgery. I've had two major surgeries in my life and both were followed with recoveries that took longer than they were supposed to and I'm not keen on the idea of being helpless when I have a newborn to take care of. Obviously, if I can't take it (Ryan has questions about my tolerance for pain, haha) then I will get the epidural because a point was made to me that I want to be able to enjoy the birth of my baby but from what I've heard and read the pain completely goes away once they are born. I've also read that focusing on the fact that the pain is good pain because it means your baby is coming is totally doable for me. That's how I feel when I get a tattoo. It hurts like hell but it's good pain. I'll make my decision when the time comes but as of right now that's my plan and honestly my doctor has said to me I've had almost the perfect pregnancy.... I kind of feel like this is something I was meant to do. If that makes any sense. Also, in the spirit of my "prepare for the worst, hope for the best" mentality.... just in case something happens and getting the epidural isn't an option for me I won't be completely bugging out because it's been my plan all along. :)

Sofia.... in your life, people will come and go. But all things in life happen for a reason. I so believe that the choices you make between the paths that are laid before you, though they may seem wrong at times, will lead you to a place that you are meant to be. And most of the time it make not make sense or appear that way until you get to the end but believe me when I say all things come full circle.... you will have a beautiful life and the highs don't seem high without the lows. Every choice I've made in the last 12 years has led me to this point, right now, with a man I am more in love with every single morning I wake up next to him and just days away from having you in my arms. Every piece of my life is just as it should be- even the ones that hang in the balance. I have loved every single second of being pregnant with you..... every single kick- even the ones that were a little too hard because they told me you are getting stronger.... every single sleepless moment because I was able to do so much thinking.... The fear I felt when I found out you were coming seems so small and far away compared to the all consuming love I feel now. All of that being said- could you please come out now because I'm ready to shower you with all of the love, hugs, and kisses you can stand. Oh, and a lot of other people are ready and waiting for you too. :) But thanks for waiting until the week your daddy and I happen to have a bye week for fantasy football. :D See you soon, Monkey.

Love always,

Mommy

where does the time go.....

Wow. I am so beyond due for a blog entry but the days are just flying by for me. Even working only two days a week, before I know it it's Friday again and time for work. I spend Sunday watching football and recovering from Friday and Saturday work nights- it's getting harder by the week and I fear my intentions of working until my due date will be short lived. Monday we have Ryan's son Evan, Tuesday we wake up early to bring him to school and spend most of the rest of the day sleeping. Wednesday and Thursday always seem crammed full of errands and what little amount of cleaning and such I can muster the energy to do. And then it's Friday again. Now I'm 31 1/2 weeks and only have to wait (hopefully) another 8 1/2 (or less) weeks to see and hold my beautiful little girl and realize my new purpose in life.

Right now I'm in this place, limbo, I guess you could call it..... it seems forever away...... yet I have so much to do in such a really short amount of time. But things are coming together..... our registry is done, I'm registered for classes, pretty sure I've chosen a pediatrician, I've gotten my flu shot, passed my glucose tolerance test (after a small scare of not passing the 1hr test and needing to go for the 3hr fasting test), and our baby shower is in less than a week. After that I can finally start getting things in order and all ready for her arrival. And that's what I've been waiting for...... I've been having this urge to "nest" for almost a month or two but don't exactly have the tools to do it. Now I'm worrying once I do I won't have the energy. Every day I compile a list of things I want to accomplish but I always find myself in bed too tired to even move. A lot of that is probably because my quality of sleep is beyond "shitty", for lack of a better word- and the most frustrating thing is that there's not much I can really do about it. Unisom does nothing for me and I'm not really big on taking drugs anyway. So I deal. Or suffer. Or both.

This is me at about 30 1/2 weeks pregnant. I'm pretty proud to say I'm pretty much all belly. Ok, and boobs. Ryan said the other day he is scared for me because they really just have a mind of their own- how does he think I feel??? I mean I've gained some other places, I wouldn't be human if I didn't, but I really can't complain about it since I haven't done much in the way of exercising due to lack of energy. What blows my mind is the vanishing filter people develop around a pregnant woman. The things that have been said to me by complete strangers (and even a few close to me) totally and completely blows me away. Ryan says I need to just laugh it off, that most people probably just mean it as a joke. But I don't find it funny. It's not funny to say to a person that's gained almost 30 pounds in less than 7 months that they look like they're carrying multiple babies when there is in fact only one. It's not funny to ask someone who's having a girl (after you've asked the gender) "why don't you want a boy, boys are so much better than girls" like I have some control over it. It's ignorant and rude and just because I can't swear at you in real life, doesn't mean I'm not doing it in my head. In fact, I feel really bad for the next person that says something stupid to me because after 8 months of this I'm just about at my breaking point. I have a very low tolerance for stupid people. Scary low, and I think I've been pretty good about it thus far. Other than that, however, all in all a great pregnancy. Until this past weekend.

Saturday night was probably the hardest night of work so far. Early in to the night my neck was hurting and I was fighting a pretty bad headache. I took a tylenol and hoped for the best. It was pretty busy and strings were long... my night was just dragging. After my second break there was a fight on my 2-5NL table that got a little out of hand because a regular player asked two other players to push their bets in for me after I had asked them twice to already. He could see I was struggling and felt the need to say something. After that table I went to another game where the players were being a lot more respectful of my condition but I was still having to reach for things at times. About half way into my down I started having cramp like pains in the right side of my belly (why is it always the right side??) and they just got worse and worse. The player in the one seat asked me if I was ok and I said I thought I was, even though I really didn't think so. I got a little dizzy at one point but somehow managed to make it until the next dealer came and tapped me out. Before I went to my next table I found the floor in my section to ask him to let the dealer coordinator know that I wasn't feeling alright and might need someone to tap me out. As I was standing there talking to him the pain started coming in spurts just from standing there, not from reaching like it had on the table and I realized I was not ok. He had me sit on a dead game and that dealer go in to my rotation, but once the grave shift pit bosses heard what was going on they got me off the table right away and closed it for me. As I walked to the office the pain and the fear got the best of me and my eyes welled up with tears... the DC told me I could just leave but I knew I couldn't make the walk and I rushed into the office searching for tissues. Before I knew it Ryan was there calming me down in the way only he can do sometimes- they got him right out of his table...... I really do think he knows me better than I know myself and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think I am so very lucky. Even though he hates when I cry and can be a little hard on me about it, he knew I was scared and I do think he was worried himself. It took at least 15 minutes or so for the pain to stop and for me to feel well enough to make the long walk to cashiering and then to the bus. In that time so many people came in to check on me- I love and appreciate all of you.... I had a few pains here and there the rest of the night and still until the morning did not feel right. As we got to the car Ryan said he felt I should pack an emergency hospital bag the next day- just in case. Just. In. Case. I looked down and told my Monkey that she must wait until after the baby shower. Any time after that she wants to come, fine- but I'm just not ready yet. We have too much to do and need to many things and it's not the plan. Still battling with my control issues. It's an ongoing process.

I suppose I need to insert a disclaimer before the next section of my blog.... The things I write here are not meant to hurt or offend anyone. These are my inner most thoughts and feelings and if something is about you please take it for what it is- honest and sincere emotion. I have chosen this forum to sort through the things that I feel are out of my control in the hopes it will help me process my feelings of helplessness. If you find yourself incapable of doing that then please, just don't read it.

Lately, on a daily basis I find myself repeating in my head "You cannot choose your family, only how you choose to deal with them" over and over again. Since the start of my pregnancy the amount of turmoil and drama involving my family has been absolutely more than I can bear. So much so that I've had to distance myself and unfortunately completely cut myself off from a few of them- even though technically they did the cutting first. The thing about my "family" is that if someone has something to say that doesn't sit well with them or they don't like (read, your true feelings) then they will just stop talking to you completely. You are dead to them. And it doesn't even have to be anything all that horrible- simply something they don't want to hear. I put the word "family" in quotations because this does not sound like a family to me. I feel the reason they say "blood is thicker than water" is because you are bound to someone for life by blood. You are connected to them for as long as you are alive and I really like to think even beyond that. This is not so for my family, they treat our connection as something that can be wiped away with paper towels. And for some reason I'm just wired differently than the rest of them. I think you should be able to say anything to your family (within reason of course) and they should accept you anyway, love you anyway. I mean after all, we are who we are because of them- or in some cases in spite of them. Either way your family shapes you. And I can't understand that a group of people that has been demanding the 'next generation' from me for quite some time is finally getting their wish and yet it is so easy for them to cast me out. **side note, Sofia you are kicking me so much right now and making it very hard to concentrate :) ** The bright spot in all of this for me is my baby sister, Marissa. I really don't know what I would do without her. And her excitement about becoming an Aunt makes all of this almost worth it. Almost. I feel horribly that she is swept up in the middle of all of this drama, but her consistent love and support keeps me afloat. Ryan and Nicole have been amazing supports for me as well, but Marissa...... Marissa grew up in that house with me. She understands all of it without my having to say a word and sometimes it's just exactly what I need. My parents, who raised me to be honest and taught me that the truth is always better than a lie now expect me to roll over and pretend like things are fine, when they're not. They haven't been for quite some time- so long in fact, I can't remember the last time they were. And through their disconnect I have made it a point to gain independence rather than letting it bring me down and spiral into depression. They did not help me get my first apartment. When I had major surgery and half of my thyroid removed they were no where to be found. And now, during the most monumental event of my life- they are absent. I accept these things because I cannot change them. I cannot force them to support me and I certainly cannot force them to love me. Who would want to? The difference is I can no longer accept them. They have been unwilling to accept me, faults and all, and for years I've let it pass because they are my family and I love them. The change my daughter is bringing with her arrival is just that. Change. My choice is that I'm no longer willing to have a family that isn't a family. And I absolutely will not raise my daughter in one. She will be accepted and taught to accept others as they are. She will be loved, valued and cherished for all that she is and all that she in not. And she will never have a false sense of security or fear loss for being honest. Because honesty is a form of respect.... you have to respect someone enough to be honest with them and she will know this.

"There's an old proverb that says you can't choose your family. You take what the fates hands you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not, you cope. Then there's the school of thought that says the family you're born into is simply a starting point. They feed you and clothe you and take care of you until you're ready to go out into the world and find your tribe."  ~Grey's Anatomy

Ooook...... enough about that. I'd like to end this on a positive note because I'm trying so hard to maintain as positive of an outlook and attitude as I can. So here's a super cute video of Ace being protective of my belly.

Sofia...... please know that you are so loved by so many people already and that even though a few key members of our family are absent, they are made up for ten-fold. You will never have to fear being alone because you are coming into the world with an amazing support system made up of so many people that will always be there for you. Especially Ace, who will be your very first best friend. :)

Love always,
Mommy

decisions, decisions......

So many decisions!!! Even my decisions need decisions! From deciding whether or not I need a birthing class, to where to register, what should be on the registry, what brands, colors, etc..... natural or drugs? My head is going to explode..... and so far all we've decided is her name, that she's going to play soccer and do martial arts. That she'll play an instrument of some sort (percussion if I really get my way) and who gets dibs when it comes to games versus competitions and concerts. Ha! Oh and as much chorus/choir as she can fit in. But who knows she could come out having completely different ideas of her own.... maybe she'll want to be a rodeo clown or a race car driver :O

We finally started some sort of registry, but the annoying part now is that the things I finally decide I want are out of stock or sold out. I found a couple of things at Target and Walmart seems to be the only place that has the high chair I want. Am I being irrational for wanting (ok, maybe even needing) things to match??? The nice thing about doing a registry is getting to pick things out and not having to actually spend any money- the annoying thing about doing a registry is having the registry person helping you questioning your choices. Like, why is the Babies R Us registry lady asking me why things have to match? Excuse me but why do I have to justify myself to you??? Because it's my damn baby and I have friggin OCD and I want things to match dammit!!! And I don't like brown- I want pink and black! Brown is ugly and the color of poop, and I'm going to see enough of it changing diapers I don't want to see it when I look at my baby furniture. Maybe YOU should have a better selection in your inventory. 

These are the things I couldn't wait for the baby shower to have..... Minus several more outfits that Ryan's mother and I just HAD to buy. I will admit shopping for a little girl is much easier than shopping for a little boy and it helps that my favorite color is pink. ;) So until she's old enough to tell me she doesn't like pink, pink it is! Ryan had actually accused me of wearing so much pink it seeped into the fetus. I had to explain to him that it was in fact HIS sperm that had the deciding factor. We had a good laugh about it :)

So far, this is going to be her going home outfit. Even though I've chosen pink elephants as a theme- I chose this because of the fact that I seriously cannot stop eating anything with bananas, banana flavored or otherwise so we have taken to calling her "monkey" already. Of course there's a chance I'll find something even cuter in the next couple (omg) months, but this is it for now. 

Even though I obviously don't want her to EVER grow up, I know that she eventually will- this is the one thing we bought (thank you Grandma Tracy!) that I CANNOT wait for her to grow into! Seriously, how cute is this?? I can't stand it... I take it out and look at it allll the time.

Because I don't really watch other sports- I got dibs on the football team :) Very proud to say I won that battle.... even though it unfortunately means she'll be a Lakers and Yankees fan (ugh!) but at least I got my Patriots. If anyone feels like contributing to the cause, these are the omgsodamncute things I found in the proshop:

I chose elephants as a theme because Ryan is half Laotian. Elephants are his family's country's animal and supposed to be lucky. Also my dear departed Nauni happened to love elephants so it's just perfect all around. I threw monkeys and other jungle creatures in there just to round it out but so far, if I've seen something with pink elephants I've either put it on the registry or just bought it myself. If you are close with me, or have been in the last few years you probably know that I've literally been in love with Ryan Molnar since the second I laid eyes on him- we had an instant connection and even though we were both with other people, staying away- even if it was just as friends at first- was impossible. Making him mine was long, painful process but after a lot of tears and fear (on both of our parts) we got to place of trust, mutual respect, and an all consuming love that takes my breath away every single day. To be having a baby with this man...... the words just don't come. It's just a feeling that I cannot explain and you wouldn't even understand unless you've felt this kind of love yourself. I've been in love many times in my life- sometimes easily, sometimes not- but this is the most complete I've felt with someone in my 30 years on this planet. For almost 4 years now this man has held my heart in the palms of his hands and I trust him with it implicitly....  which is not an easy thing for me to do. And as an amazingly unexpected bonus, I love his family too. They are so welcoming and open- I've felt accepted from the moment I met every single one of them. His mother is beyond sweet and probably one of the most generous people I've ever met in my life. His stepfather is just as welcoming and really quite hilarious if you can get him talking :) And to watch his brother with his son Evan..... I just know he's going to be an amazing uncle to Sofia. I could not be happier about bringing a baby into his family and to be able to call them my family as well. I'm thrilled to embrace his culture and traditions and look forward to giving my daughter everything it has to offer. 

This is the bed set we chose, it's called "Tutu Cute" and it really friggin is! Monkeys, hippos, lions, zebras and an elephant princess in tutu's. Seriously. I'm starting to feel things coming together and even though there's still so much to do- I just keep trucking away. 

This is 22 weeks pregnant- and I'm happy to say I look damn good. Lol. I still have people tell me every night at work that from the ribs up I don't even look pregnant and I'm closer to 24 weeks now. Even though I still kinda feel like poop, I look good so I'll take it. Work is getting tough on my back and reaching chips and cards gets harder every weekend. I can't even imagine how hard it'll be in a couple months. Should be interesting.

Last week we had a little scare..... I hadn't felt her move in a couple of days and I was feeling so much movement before that I grew so nervous I felt like I was going to lose it. After drinking the most sugary drink I could find- mountain dew- and still nothing, it was time to call the doctor. They were great and had me come in right away so they could check the heartbeat. As soon as the nurse had a good reading and I heard the "thump, thump, thump" of her heart, I burst into tears. The feeling of relief..... the fear lifted off of my shoulders.... The overwhelming love I feel already...... I just couldn't contain my emotions. Which is something I've never really been good at but now that I'm pregnant I just flat out suck at it. 

This is my first ultrasound at 10 weeks and the first time I heard the amazing sound of my Monkey's heartbeat. This was moment I knew it was all real and not a dream. The moment I knew my life would never be the same. The moment I knew I could feel even more love than I already do for Ryan and Ace- who has been my "baby" for almost 3 years now. The four of us will be the happiest little family and I'm happier than a pig in shit about it. :)

Sofia...... my advice to you this week is that it is more than ok to have a small circle of people in your life that you respect and trust. Trust is the most precious and fragile gift you can both give and receive in this life, other than someone's love- but the two go hand in hand. Once it is broken, repairing it can seem impossible because it almost always is. Sometimes, if you try very hard it can be put back together but there will always be pieces missing and things are just never the same. Respect and is something that is earned and most people just aren't that deserving of it, unfortunately. Most importantly, trust and respect yourself above all others and you can never go wrong. :)

Thankfully you have stopped kicking my bladder as much, but the karate seminars as I'm trying to go to sleep?? Really?? :) (ok admittedly, I love it)

Love,

Mommy

Here goes nothing.......

I'm kinda new at this, so bear with me.... Those of you who don't know me and are reading this, my friends call me Beth and I am having my very first baby with a man I am so completely and hopelessly in love with it almost doesn't feel real. At this point I am 21 1/2 weeks pregnant and 30 years old- it's about damn time, right?? I really had started to think maybe I would never have a child- it was on the back burner as a choice I made to be with Ryan. He has a seven year old and had decided he didn't want anymore children.... love really will make you do crazy things- even potentially give up something you've wanted for as long as you could remember. I guess deep down I thought/hoped/prayed he would eventually come around as he got older since he is a few years younger than me (yeah yeah I'm a cradle robber)- but when my period was late and three pregnancy tests later, there wasn't really any turning back. To be honest I think I was more scared/freaked than he was. Maybe because he'd been through this before- at 19 nonetheless- but I think part of it was because I was the one who was going to pop a tiny person from my vagina in 9ish months. It took a few days but the shock wore off, and then the worrying started. I'm a type A, obsessive compulsive, control freak, WORRIER. I like to plan, I like to prepare. And even though I haven't done this before I'm pretty convinced motherhood, no matter how much I will try- will be the most unpredictable and unpreparable event of my life. I think for about an hour after my second ultrasound, when I'd had my blood tests come back fine and they did the anatomy scan and said everything looked perfect, I stopped worrying about the baby and just relaxed- only an hour though. Then a whole new set of worries started- I'll get to that later. :)

I started a pregnancy journal several weeks back but after writing one entry I realized it probably wasn't the forum for me. This is not only to track my pregnancy and my experience but to be a letter for my baby to one day read and hopefully know how important they were to me, even before their birth- and how much thought and love I put into every single decision.

This is my little gummy bear at about 10 weeks. Seeing the first ultrasound really put things into perspective for me- this is REALLY happening.... Even though I was having pretty much every symptom under the sun at that point- seeing this made it real. There's a baby in there. And it's coming. A few weeks later I started to show even though for a few more weeks it just looked like I needed abflex. Once my belly rounded out I really started to look and feel pregnant.

About two weeks ago Ryan and I took our "babymoon"- everything I'd read said to take a trip before the baby is born. The trip itself was not what we'd expected but we made the best of it and on the first night as we laid down for bed, the most amazing thing happened. I felt movement!! Nothing in my life will ever compare to this feeling. I was laughing and crying at the same time- the joy and love I felt in that moment... I just knew I'd never be alone. This baby will be the most important thing to me for the rest of my life.

A couple days after we got home from our trip we had our second ultrasound appointment. This was the big one. The one I'd been waiting for since the minute I peed on that stick. Is it a BOY or GIRL???? I tell everyone I really felt like it was boy but deep down I think I just really wanted it to be a boy. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say, but I will explain. I knew if we had a girl, she would be beautiful and smart and funny and all of our best characteristics. That means BOYS and DATING and broken hearts...... I feared if we had a girl, some day she would hate me in that impossible way daughters always seem to hate their mothers. I know that this fear comes from my own strained relationship with my own mother..... and even though I had resigned myself to be better, do better- I hopelessly fear there will be nothing I can do about it. That no matter how hard I try or how much I love her, there will be a time in our lives we don't talk. And I'm not sure that's something I can handle. Boys always love their mothers, even when they fight. 

YUP. It's a girl. A girl. A perfect tiny little girl. So now I can either let my fears get the best of me or suck it up and do everything I can to make sure I'm always her best friend and always there for her when she needs me- never judging her. I choose the latter. The funny thing is that from the second the stick said "pregnant" I've had her name chosen and it took us literally months to decide on a boys name. Sofia Marie. Sofia is my great grandmother's name and I chose with an "F" for my sister Stefanie. Lately though I've wondered why I bothered to do such a thing, considering her complete disinterest with the matter. This just reaffirms for me my favorite mantra, there's no point being upset over the things you cannot change. Marie is my middle name and my mother's middle name and I always knew that would be my daughter's middle name, were I to have one.

After our appointment, we went shopping to buy some pink things at the suggestion of our ultrasound technician. I think she sensed our slight apprehension after the news... luckily pink is my favorite color and there are so many damn cute outfits for girls- my apprehension quickly turned to joy and excitement. Finally I can start planning and making decisions on all of the things that have been in the back of my mind for months now. And although I'm very glad it will be a long time before she grows up- I can't wait to teach her all of the things I had to learn on my own.... how to do her hair and makeup and shave her legs and do girly things with her like get our nails done. My little mini-me. Ryan's contribution will be a fairly large gun collection he undoubtedly plans on starting as well as several samurai swords. He and I quickly decided after the ultrasound she has a perfectly shaped head and nose... here's the proof:

I'm so in love with her already. I just want it to be December so I can hold her and stare at her beautiful face... but there's lot to do between now and then. Ok I think this is long enough for my first blog EVER, special thanks to Cheney for suggesting I start one. It's nice to put things in perspective and I really hope through writing this, one day Sofia will enjoy the evidence that she was made with love. Until then, keep growing my little monkey. Oh and please stop kicking me in my bladder :)

Love, Mommy