Well.... unless I find some amazing abundance of time in the next two weeks (or less (oh pleeease baby jesus, let it be less)), this will probably be my last blog known by any name other than "Mommy".
Right now I am 39 weeks pregnant and officially "full term". I can't believe how quickly the last nine plus months have gone by, but what's unbelievable to me right now is how long the next few days seem. The hardest part is the not knowing.... not knowing when she will come, not knowing how my labor will start, and not knowing.... well. Anything. I've had so many people tell me "You'll just know when you're in labor" but I've had just as many tell me that they themselves didn't. Could I be one of those women?? I just hope I know my body well enough. For the last couple weeks or so I've felt a little different. I've been experiencing different sensations and the pain and Braxton Hicks contractions have been different than they were before. After a little research I came to the conclusion that my body is really gearing up now. And hopefully that means that our Sofia will be a little early as her daddy and I have had a feeling about all along. But then part of me worries I've jinxed it and I'll be miserable and 10 1/2 months pregnant and have to be induced.
I just can't wait to meet her and hold her. Yes I'm ready to have my body back and start to feel normal again..... but mostly I'm just ready to start the next phase of my life. The next part of my life with Ryan. And Sofia. And Ace. And Evan, who is going to be an amazing big brother. Even though we only get to see him once a week, it's once a week more than Ryan was seeing him a year ago, so I'll take it. Seeing him with Evan and how great he is just makes me that much more anxious to see how amazing he's going to be with our daughter- because I know he will be.
But right now it's just a waiting game. Things are ready and waiting for her- the nursery is completely done (and I am so in love with it), finally and we have everything we need- minus a few small things that could wait a little longer. Now we just need the bundle of joy. :)
Our baby shower was a huge success and SO much fun. So many of our friends and family came to show their love and support and we can never, ever thank them enough. Although there were quite a few people that didn't show up.... people who have asked us to be at things for them and we were..... people who said they were coming and didn't..... people who just should have been there and weren't..... that was really disappointing and a small part of me is still trying to get over being let down- but a much larger part of me is grateful for the clarification about where I stand with these people and where I am on their priority lists. And let me be clear- it's not about presents, I didn't even need a card- it's about showing up and being there for someone you're supposed to care about. About being there to celebrate and support the love of two people that have created a new life together. Besides, these people have given me the greatest gift of all- clarity. In this one day I found out who my true loved ones are and who I can really count on. And none of that would have been possible without our amazing friend, Nicole. She threw us the best, most beautiful baby shower I could have ever hoped for and all of the people that helped, whether your part was big or small- we can never begin to show our gratitude. I can't decide who is luckier for having her in their lives, me or Sofia. :)
Two of my oldest and dearest friends. I'm not sure who I would be today if it wasn't for these two women. In your life if you are lucky, you find friends that will shape you and define who you will become as a person- they make you better than you were on your own. That no matter how much time has passed since you last spoke, when you finally do again- it's as though time stood still for you. One of my greatest hopes for my daughter is that she will find friends like this in her life.... ones who will help her through her toughest times when she feels like she can't ask me for help.... Cheney and Steph: thank you for your love and support. Thank you for being there for me and helping me grow into the person I am today. Thank you for the memories and the special moments I will cherish forever.... but mostly thank you for teaching me how to be a friend so that I can be not only a mother but a friend to my daughter and hopefully have a special relationship and bond with her that will carry us through the tough teenage years. :)
Last Saturday was officially my last day of work. I just couldn't do it anymore.....I probably could have made it until the end of my pregnancy but between the players not being very cooperative about pushing their bets in, the pressure of my stomach on the hard wooden rail of the table and the strain on my back it just became impossible. I was leaving work almost every single night in tears or on the verge. It's so frustrating to me that I get twelve weeks of leave but it's such a big deal for me to take off from work a couple of weeks early. I'm sure I'll be grateful for the time with her after all is said and done but the pain, stress and drama I went through in my last few shifts just was NOT worth it and I'm not afraid to say it's made me a little resentful. Luckily I was able to get intermittent leave from my doctor because I really don't think I would have made it through working this week. Now I am officially on maternity leave and can focus on the next couple weeks and my impending labor and the next few months finding my way as a mother.
Last Saturday was officially my last day of work. I just couldn't do it anymore.....I probably could have made it until the end of my pregnancy but between the players not being very cooperative about pushing their bets in, the pressure of my stomach on the hard wooden rail of the table and the strain on my back it just became impossible. I was leaving work almost every single night in tears or on the verge. It's so frustrating to me that I get twelve weeks of leave but it's such a big deal for me to take off from work a couple of weeks early. I'm sure I'll be grateful for the time with her after all is said and done but the pain, stress and drama I went through in my last few shifts just was NOT worth it and I'm not afraid to say it's made me a little resentful. Luckily I was able to get intermittent leave from my doctor because I really don't think I would have made it through working this week. Now I am officially on maternity leave and can focus on the next couple weeks and my impending labor and the next few months finding my way as a mother.
Things with my family are still..... difficult to say the least. But as I said earlier, so many of the people in my life have given me a clear picture of where I stand- I almost have to thank them. The best thing I can do for myself and my daughter is put it all out of my mind and focus on the things ahead of me. As of right now I'm planning to have a natural birth- yeah, that's right- no drugs... and I'm going to need every ounce of physical and emotional strength for this. I have none to waste on anything else. I'm sure some people will tell me I'm crazy.... but my biggest fear is having a c-section and getting an epidural can slow down or completely stall your labor to the point that it becomes dangerous for you and the baby. I know my body.... I don't recover well from surgery. I've had two major surgeries in my life and both were followed with recoveries that took longer than they were supposed to and I'm not keen on the idea of being helpless when I have a newborn to take care of. Obviously, if I can't take it (Ryan has questions about my tolerance for pain, haha) then I will get the epidural because a point was made to me that I want to be able to enjoy the birth of my baby but from what I've heard and read the pain completely goes away once they are born. I've also read that focusing on the fact that the pain is good pain because it means your baby is coming is totally doable for me. That's how I feel when I get a tattoo. It hurts like hell but it's good pain. I'll make my decision when the time comes but as of right now that's my plan and honestly my doctor has said to me I've had almost the perfect pregnancy.... I kind of feel like this is something I was meant to do. If that makes any sense. Also, in the spirit of my "prepare for the worst, hope for the best" mentality.... just in case something happens and getting the epidural isn't an option for me I won't be completely bugging out because it's been my plan all along. :)
Sofia.... in your life, people will come and go. But all things in life happen for a reason. I so believe that the choices you make between the paths that are laid before you, though they may seem wrong at times, will lead you to a place that you are meant to be. And most of the time it make not make sense or appear that way until you get to the end but believe me when I say all things come full circle.... you will have a beautiful life and the highs don't seem high without the lows. Every choice I've made in the last 12 years has led me to this point, right now, with a man I am more in love with every single morning I wake up next to him and just days away from having you in my arms. Every piece of my life is just as it should be- even the ones that hang in the balance. I have loved every single second of being pregnant with you..... every single kick- even the ones that were a little too hard because they told me you are getting stronger.... every single sleepless moment because I was able to do so much thinking.... The fear I felt when I found out you were coming seems so small and far away compared to the all consuming love I feel now. All of that being said- could you please come out now because I'm ready to shower you with all of the love, hugs, and kisses you can stand. Oh, and a lot of other people are ready and waiting for you too. :) But thanks for waiting until the week your daddy and I happen to have a bye week for fantasy football. :D See you soon, Monkey.
Love always,
Mommy
