I'm kinda new at this, so bear with me.... Those of you who don't know me and are reading this, my friends call me Beth and I am having my very first baby with a man I am so completely and hopelessly in love with it almost doesn't feel real. At this point I am 21 1/2 weeks pregnant and 30 years old- it's about damn time, right?? I really had started to think maybe I would never have a child- it was on the back burner as a choice I made to be with Ryan. He has a seven year old and had decided he didn't want anymore children.... love really will make you do crazy things- even potentially give up something you've wanted for as long as you could remember. I guess deep down I thought/hoped/prayed he would eventually come around as he got older since he is a few years younger than me (yeah yeah I'm a cradle robber)- but when my period was late and three pregnancy tests later, there wasn't really any turning back. To be honest I think I was more scared/freaked than he was. Maybe because he'd been through this before- at 19 nonetheless- but I think part of it was because I was the one who was going to pop a tiny person from my vagina in 9ish months. It took a few days but the shock wore off, and then the worrying started. I'm a type A, obsessive compulsive, control freak, WORRIER. I like to plan, I like to prepare. And even though I haven't done this before I'm pretty convinced motherhood, no matter how much I will try- will be the most unpredictable and unpreparable event of my life. I think for about an hour after my second ultrasound, when I'd had my blood tests come back fine and they did the anatomy scan and said everything looked perfect, I stopped worrying about the baby and just relaxed- only an hour though. Then a whole new set of worries started- I'll get to that later. :)
I started a pregnancy journal several weeks back but after writing one entry I realized it probably wasn't the forum for me. This is not only to track my pregnancy and my experience but to be a letter for my baby to one day read and hopefully know how important they were to me, even before their birth- and how much thought and love I put into every single decision.
This is my little gummy bear at about 10 weeks. Seeing the first ultrasound really put things into perspective for me- this is REALLY happening.... Even though I was having pretty much every symptom under the sun at that point- seeing this made it real. There's a baby in there. And it's coming. A few weeks later I started to show even though for a few more weeks it just looked like I needed abflex. Once my belly rounded out I really started to look and feel pregnant.
About two weeks ago Ryan and I took our "babymoon"- everything I'd read said to take a trip before the baby is born. The trip itself was not what we'd expected but we made the best of it and on the first night as we laid down for bed, the most amazing thing happened. I felt movement!! Nothing in my life will ever compare to this feeling. I was laughing and crying at the same time- the joy and love I felt in that moment... I just knew I'd never be alone. This baby will be the most important thing to me for the rest of my life.
A couple days after we got home from our trip we had our second ultrasound appointment. This was the big one. The one I'd been waiting for since the minute I peed on that stick. Is it a BOY or GIRL???? I tell everyone I really felt like it was boy but deep down I think I just really wanted it to be a boy. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say, but I will explain. I knew if we had a girl, she would be beautiful and smart and funny and all of our best characteristics. That means BOYS and DATING and broken hearts...... I feared if we had a girl, some day she would hate me in that impossible way daughters always seem to hate their mothers. I know that this fear comes from my own strained relationship with my own mother..... and even though I had resigned myself to be better, do better- I hopelessly fear there will be nothing I can do about it. That no matter how hard I try or how much I love her, there will be a time in our lives we don't talk. And I'm not sure that's something I can handle. Boys always love their mothers, even when they fight.
YUP. It's a girl. A girl. A perfect tiny little girl. So now I can either let my fears get the best of me or suck it up and do everything I can to make sure I'm always her best friend and always there for her when she needs me- never judging her. I choose the latter. The funny thing is that from the second the stick said "pregnant" I've had her name chosen and it took us literally months to decide on a boys name. Sofia Marie. Sofia is my great grandmother's name and I chose with an "F" for my sister Stefanie. Lately though I've wondered why I bothered to do such a thing, considering her complete disinterest with the matter. This just reaffirms for me my favorite mantra, there's no point being upset over the things you cannot change. Marie is my middle name and my mother's middle name and I always knew that would be my daughter's middle name, were I to have one.
After our appointment, we went shopping to buy some pink things at the suggestion of our ultrasound technician. I think she sensed our slight apprehension after the news... luckily pink is my favorite color and there are so many damn cute outfits for girls- my apprehension quickly turned to joy and excitement. Finally I can start planning and making decisions on all of the things that have been in the back of my mind for months now. And although I'm very glad it will be a long time before she grows up- I can't wait to teach her all of the things I had to learn on my own.... how to do her hair and makeup and shave her legs and do girly things with her like get our nails done. My little mini-me. Ryan's contribution will be a fairly large gun collection he undoubtedly plans on starting as well as several samurai swords. He and I quickly decided after the ultrasound she has a perfectly shaped head and nose... here's the proof:
I'm so in love with her already. I just want it to be December so I can hold her and stare at her beautiful face... but there's lot to do between now and then. Ok I think this is long enough for my first blog EVER, special thanks to Cheney for suggesting I start one. It's nice to put things in perspective and I really hope through writing this, one day Sofia will enjoy the evidence that she was made with love. Until then, keep growing my little monkey. Oh and please stop kicking me in my bladder :)
Love, Mommy
