Wow. I am so beyond due for a blog entry but the days are just flying
by for me. Even working only two days a week, before I know it it's
Friday again and time for work. I spend Sunday watching football and
recovering from Friday and Saturday work nights- it's getting harder by
the week and I fear my intentions of working until my due date will be
short lived. Monday we have Ryan's son Evan, Tuesday we wake up early to
bring him to school and spend most of the rest of the day sleeping.
Wednesday and Thursday always seem crammed full of errands and what
little amount of cleaning and such I can muster the energy to do. And
then it's Friday again. Now I'm 31 1/2 weeks and only have to wait
(hopefully) another 8 1/2 (or less) weeks to see and hold my beautiful
little girl and realize my new purpose in life.
Right
now I'm in this place, limbo, I guess you could call it..... it seems
forever away...... yet I have so much to do in such a really short
amount of time. But things are coming together..... our registry is
done, I'm registered for classes, pretty sure I've chosen a
pediatrician, I've gotten my flu shot, passed my glucose tolerance test
(after a small scare of not passing the 1hr test and needing to go for
the 3hr fasting test), and our baby shower is in less than a week. After
that I can finally start getting things in order and all ready for her
arrival. And that's what I've been waiting for...... I've been having
this urge to "nest" for almost a month or two but don't exactly have the
tools to do it. Now I'm worrying once I do I won't have the energy.
Every day I compile a list of things I want to accomplish but I always
find myself in bed too tired to even move. A lot of that is probably
because my quality of sleep is beyond "shitty", for lack of a better
word- and the most frustrating thing is that there's not much I can
really do about it. Unisom does nothing for me and I'm not really big on
taking drugs anyway. So I deal. Or suffer. Or both.
This
is me at about 30 1/2 weeks pregnant. I'm pretty proud to say I'm
pretty much all belly. Ok, and boobs. Ryan said the other day he is
scared for me because they really just have a mind of their own- how
does he think I feel??? I mean I've gained some other places, I wouldn't
be human if I didn't, but I really can't complain about it since I
haven't done much in the way of exercising due to lack of energy. What
blows my mind is the vanishing filter people develop around a pregnant
woman. The things that have been said to me by complete strangers (and
even a few close to me) totally and completely blows me away. Ryan says I
need to just laugh it off, that most people probably just mean it as a
joke. But I don't find it funny. It's not funny to say to a person
that's gained almost 30 pounds in less than 7 months that they look like
they're carrying multiple babies when there is in fact only one. It's
not funny to ask someone who's having a girl (after you've asked the
gender) "why don't you want a boy, boys are so much better than girls"
like I have some control over it. It's ignorant and rude and just
because I can't swear at you in real life, doesn't mean I'm not doing it
in my head. In fact, I feel really bad for the next person that says
something stupid to me because after 8 months of this I'm just about at
my breaking point. I have a very low tolerance for stupid people. Scary
low, and I think I've been pretty good about it thus far. Other than
that, however, all in all a great pregnancy. Until this past weekend.
Saturday
night was probably the hardest night of work so far. Early in to the
night my neck was hurting and I was fighting a pretty bad headache. I
took a tylenol and hoped for the best. It was pretty busy and strings
were long... my night was just dragging. After my second break there was
a fight on my 2-5NL table that got a little out of hand because a
regular player asked two other players to push their bets in for me
after I had asked them twice to already. He could see I was struggling
and felt the need to say something. After that table I went to another
game where the players were being a lot more respectful of my condition
but I was still having to reach for things at times. About half way into
my down I started having cramp like pains in the right side of my belly
(why is it always the right side??) and they just got worse and worse.
The player in the one seat asked me if I was ok and I said I thought I
was, even though I really didn't think so. I got a little dizzy at one
point but somehow managed to make it until the next dealer came and
tapped me out. Before I went to my next table I found the floor in my
section to ask him to let the dealer coordinator know that I wasn't
feeling alright and might need someone to tap me out. As I was standing
there talking to him the pain started coming in spurts just from
standing there, not from reaching like it had on the table and I
realized I was not ok. He had me sit on a dead game and that dealer go
in to my rotation, but once the grave shift pit bosses heard what was
going on they got me off the table right away and closed it for me. As I
walked to the office the pain and the fear got the best of me and my
eyes welled up with tears... the DC told me I could just leave but I
knew I couldn't make the walk and I rushed into the office searching for
tissues. Before I knew it Ryan was there calming me down in the way
only he can do sometimes- they got him right out of his table...... I
really do think he knows me better than I know myself and there isn't a
day that goes by that I don't think I am so very lucky. Even though he
hates when I cry and can be a little hard on me about it, he knew I was
scared and I do think he was worried himself. It took at least 15
minutes or so for the pain to stop and for me to feel well enough to
make the long walk to cashiering and then to the bus. In that time so
many people came in to check on me- I love and appreciate all of you....
I had a few pains here and there the rest of the night and still until
the morning did not feel right. As we got to the car Ryan said he felt I
should pack an emergency hospital bag the next day- just in case. Just.
In. Case. I looked down and told my Monkey that she must wait until
after the baby shower. Any time after that she wants to come, fine- but
I'm just not ready yet. We have too much to do and need to many things
and it's not the plan. Still battling with my control issues. It's an
ongoing process.
I suppose I need to insert a
disclaimer before the next section of my blog.... The things I write
here are not meant to hurt or offend anyone. These are my inner most
thoughts and feelings and if something is about you please take it for
what it is- honest and sincere emotion. I have chosen this forum to sort
through the things that I feel are out of my control in the hopes it
will help me process my feelings of helplessness. If you find yourself
incapable of doing that then please, just don't read it.
Lately,
on a daily basis I find myself repeating in my head "You cannot choose
your family, only how you choose to deal with them" over and over again.
Since the start of my pregnancy the amount of turmoil and drama
involving my family has been absolutely more than I can bear. So much so
that I've had to distance myself and unfortunately completely cut
myself off from a few of them- even though technically they did the
cutting first. The thing about my "family" is that if someone has
something to say that doesn't sit well with them or they don't like
(read, your true feelings) then they will just stop talking to you
completely. You are dead to them. And it doesn't even have to be
anything all that horrible- simply something they don't want to hear. I
put the word "family" in quotations because this does not sound like a
family to me. I feel the reason they say "blood is thicker than water"
is because you are bound to someone for life by blood. You are connected
to them for as long as you are alive and I really like to think even
beyond that. This is not so for my family, they treat our connection as
something that can be wiped away with paper towels. And for some reason
I'm just wired differently than the rest of them. I think you should be
able to say anything to your family (within reason of course) and they
should accept you anyway, love you anyway. I mean after all, we are who we are because of them- or in some cases in spite of them. Either way your family shapes you.
And I can't understand that a group of people that has been demanding
the 'next generation' from me for quite some time is finally getting
their wish and yet it is so easy for them to cast me out. **side note,
Sofia you are kicking me so much right now and making it very hard to
concentrate :) ** The bright spot in all of this for me is my baby
sister, Marissa. I really don't know what I would do without her. And
her excitement about becoming an Aunt makes all of this almost worth it.
Almost. I feel horribly that she is swept up in the middle of all of
this drama, but her consistent love and support keeps me afloat. Ryan
and Nicole have been amazing supports for me as well, but Marissa......
Marissa grew up in that house with me. She understands all of it without
my having to say a word and sometimes it's just exactly what I need. My
parents, who raised me to be honest and taught me that the truth is
always better than a lie now expect me to roll over and pretend like
things are fine, when they're not. They haven't been for quite some
time- so long in fact, I can't remember the last time they were. And
through their disconnect I have made it a point to gain independence
rather than letting it bring me down and spiral into depression. They
did not help me get my first apartment. When I had major surgery and
half of my thyroid removed they were no where to be found. And now,
during the most monumental event of my life- they are absent. I accept
these things because I cannot change them. I cannot force them to
support me and I certainly cannot force them to love me. Who would want
to? The difference is I can no longer accept them. They have been
unwilling to accept me, faults and all, and for years I've let it pass
because they are my family and I love them. The change my daughter is
bringing with her arrival is just that. Change. My choice is that I'm no
longer willing to have a family that isn't a family. And I absolutely
will not raise my daughter in one. She will be accepted and taught to
accept others as they are. She will be loved, valued and cherished for
all that she is and all that she in not. And she will never have a false
sense of security or fear loss for being honest. Because honesty is a
form of respect.... you have to respect someone enough to be honest with
them and she will know this.
"There's an old proverb
that says you can't choose your family. You take what the fates hands
you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not, you
cope. Then there's the school of thought that says the family you're
born into is simply a starting point. They feed you and clothe you and
take care of you until you're ready to go out into the world and find
your tribe." ~Grey's Anatomy
Ooook......
enough about that. I'd like to end this on a positive note because I'm
trying so hard to maintain as positive of an outlook and attitude as I
can. So here's a super cute video of Ace being protective of my belly.
Sofia......
please know that you are so loved by so many people already and that
even though a few key members of our family are absent, they are made up
for ten-fold. You will never have to fear being alone because you are
coming into the world with an amazing support system made up of so many
people that will always be there for you. Especially Ace, who will be
your very first best friend. :)
Love always,
Mommy
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